The Unreliability of Memory

There are some things one remembers even though they may never have happened.

HAROLD PINTER, Old Times

[This is the first part of a series on this topic.]

When I was very young, my grandmother enjoyed telling me about a very special time when she was traveling by train from New York City to spend the weekend with my parents, sister, and me on Long Island. In this story (which she claimed to be true), the train had made one of its usual stops before reaching our town when a cute, fluffy kitten stepped off the platform and onto the train. In this story, my grandmother watched this little kitten as it walked right up to her and, without a word (ok, I added that part), leapt onto her lap, curled up, and fell fast asleep. "Why didn't you bring it home to me?" I would ask each time she repeated this story, as if, by changing the story, she could change the outcome in real life. "Because," she'd remind me, "when we arrived at the next stop and the doors opened, the kitty woke up, jumped off my lap, and walked right out the door before I could stop it!"

The implausability of the story my grandmother told never struck me when I was young. As an adult, talking about this with my mother, I suddenly understand that my grandmother's "memory" probably was constructed, based, perhaps, on something that really did happen and colored, somewhat, too, by some wishful thinking and her desire to please a wistful grandchild.

Memories are the stuff of literature and art, enriching our collective imagination and culture. But as we know, they also can be inaccurate and even false. In The Seven Sins of Memory: How the Mind Forgets and Remembers, Daniel L. Schacter sums up his explanation for why memories are not carbon copies of what we perceive with our senses:

We extract key elements from our experiences and store them. We then recreate or reconstruct our experiences rather than retrieve copies of them. Sometimes, in the process of reconstructing we add on feelings, beliefs, or even knowledge we obtained after the experience. In other words, we bias our memories of the past by attributing to them emotions or knowledge we acquired after the event.

It's important to understand that, with rare exceptions, no one's memory is absolutely precise. Absent hard evidence such as recordings or writing, there is a reasonable chance that your recollection is, well, just as faulty as the other person's.

So what's the problem? The problem occurs when we rely on memory for making judgments and decisions that are life-altering while discounting evidence that a contrary view may be equally reasonable.

WELCOME

Finally, after a long period of procrastination, I am launching this blog! Oh sweet Success!

Helping people work through their family conflicts is my passion. Perhaps this is because I recognize my own family issues in the patterns of those who I serve and I do believe that, even out of the most persistent family conflict a healthy relationship can grow. This blog will address those kinds of family issues that confound and frustrate each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. Whether you are experiecning conflict in your marriage, domestic partnership, divorce, eldercare planning, estate planning, family business succession, or other family context, it is my hope that the information, tips, and insights offered here will help you address some of your difficult family issues.

I invite family members and the professionals who help them -- therapists, lawyers, CPA's, etc. -- to join in the discussions with comments and questions.

Parents in Divorce Teleseminars

Rina Goodman and Dr. Patricia Anderson, author and parent educator, present a monthly series of telephone seminars for parents who are separated, divorced, or contemplating divorce. Each hour-long seminar includes key issues and practical action steps, as well as time for your questions. Seminars are presented on the third Thursday each month, at 9:30 East, 8:30 Central, and 6:30 Pacific Time. Cost is $10 each, and includes a downlowdable recording of the session. The first seminar, "Breaking It To The Kids," will be presented on Thursday, January 15 from 6:30 to 7:30 pm PST. Topics for the rest of the year are:

February - Choosing School Placement When You Can't Agree
March - Planning for the Summer
April - Pets in the Divorced Household
May - Parenting From A Distance
June - Vacations
July - Moving To A New Home
August - Transition To A Blended Household
September - Talking With Teachers
October - Divorce And The Special Needs Child
November - Handling The Holidays
December - Dealing With Grandparents

For more information or to register, call Dr. Anderson at 206.244.5673 or email her at mothersmentor@comcast.net.