Transforming Conflict, LLC

Handling Difficult People Over the Holidays

2009-12-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Dr. Patricia Nan Anderson, Consultant, speaker and author of Parenting: A Field Guide, interviewed me for her program, Parenting: A Field Guide LIVE on KKNW 1150 AM Radio. Listen to this one hour program for some practical tips and strategies for dealing with your difficult situations with your ex-spouse and your relatives over the winter holidays.

How We Age

2009-05-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

The internet has forced the issue of aging upon me. Reuniting through Facebook and Classmates with friends from whom I haven't heard for more than 30 years, I find the temptation to draw comparisons between way-back-then and now irresistible. Suffice it to say, some of us have weathered the years better than others. Some have led ordinary lives, while others have pursued one adventure after another. Most of us have had children; some have had thrilling careers; others have done not much of anything. There is just no way to generalize about what has happened to us, except, perhaps, that almost everyone has, at one time or another, talked about some life-threatening disease that has spared or not spared someone near and dear, complained about bone problems, or discussed some other symptom of aging. For me, aging is something that others do. The lines on my face, my dry, wrinkled elbows, and the increasing frequency of aches and pains in my bones are more like an insult to my psyche. "Why me?" I ask myself, incredulous that it could happen to such a young person (forgetting that I'm 55). No, this wasn't supposed to happen. "It's an affront," I think to myself, recalling my childhood mantra, sung by a young woman dressed in a skintight green outfit, "I won't grow up." Sigh. Life rushes forward, and we're all caught up like helpless branches in the river's current. "No," I say, "I will not wither, dry up, and die."

This is why I was delighted to discover the trailer for Hats Off, a documentary about the actress, Mimi Widdell who at 93 years of age knows how to go on living. Here's the trailer:

Why You Need an Attorney When You've Hired a Mediator

2009-05-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

When you make decisions about dividing property, selling assets, etc., you could be affecting your legal rights or obligations in ways you did not anticipate.

You desperately want to stay out of court and work on finding a reasonable, even creative, solution to your conflict. Lawyers intimidate you. And you've agreed to try to come to an agreement without spending too much of your hard-earned money. So you’ve selected a mediator who, you are confident, can help you sit down and accomplish what at first had seemed a daunting, if not impossible, task.

So what is this your mediator is saying about the importance of consulting with an attorney? You thought that working with the mediator would mean that no lawyers would be involved. Isn’t this going to be expensive? You're also wary of bringing lawyers into the picture. What if his lawyer convinces him that he doesn't have to pay maintenance? What if her lawyer tells her that she doesn't have to have a 50/50 parenting plan?

There are several important reasons why your mediator is encouraging you to consult with a lawyer: Mediators should not provide legal advice or render a legal opinion. If your mediator provides legal advice or offers a legal opinion, she will be influencing an outcome that is likely to favor one party over the other. Additionally, when giving legal advice to both or all parties, the mediator is violating an ethical rule on attorney conduct which prohibits lawyers from advising parties with potentially adverse legal positions.

A lawyer, on the other hand, can act as your advisor and help you become more effective and efficient in the mediation process without pushing you toward the courthouse steps.

If Consulted in the Initial Stages of Mediation, a Legal Advisor Can:

• Explain the law to you as it defines your rights and obligations and describe possible outcomes if you were to go to court.

• Identify the legal issues, help you come up with alternative solutions, and reality test if you are too firm in your bargaining position.

During the Mediation Process, Your Legal Advisor Can:

• Help you select experts during the mediation process in the areas of business valuation, financial planning, actuarial analysis, and property appraisals, in the event consultation with such experts becomes necessary. In mediation, unlike litigation, the cost of these consultations can be shared by the parties and ultimately save you thousands of dollars!

• Explain the legal and financial implications of your decisions as interim agreements are reached, and propose alternative solutions.

• Review the Memorandum of Understanding drafted by your mediator to ensure that all the relevant legal issues have been addressed, that the agreement reflects your understanding, and that there will be no unintended consequences (e.g., tax liabilities) arising from the arrangements agreed to.

• Prepare the legal papers necessary for filing with the court.

How to Find a Lawyer to Assist in the Mediation Process

In order to find a lawyer who is willing to provide advisory or consulting services throughout your mediation, you will need to look for lawyers who provide “unbundled services.” This term simply means that the lawyer offers discrete services (e.g., document review; drafting, etc.) – as opposed to, or in addition to, full representation. One way to find a lawyer who provides unbundled services is by referral from a friend, associate, or family member. Another way is to contact your local bar association. Many family lawyers who are also mediators will act in an advisory capacity. Your mediator may also recommend several consulting lawyers.

Your Legal Advisor Should Meet These Qualifications:

*Specializes in family law or, more specifically, in the area of law affecting your interests (e.g., divorce, elder law, estates, family business).

*Licensed to practice law in your state.

*Has had experience working with parties in mediation.

*Familiar with facilitative mediation – as distinguished from caucus style (shuttle) mediation, settlement conferences, and evaluative mediation.

*Understands and supports his or her client’s goals in achieving a mutually satisfying resolution, even if he or she believes that the client would fare better in court.

Related Articles & Pamphlets

The Northwest Women’s Law Center memo, “Working With A Lawyer,” which includes tips for finding and working with an attorney.

Mediators Forrest Mosten and Lee Borden have authored another useful article, “Unbundled Services.”

Washington Bar Association consumer pamphlets:
• Consulting a Lawyer
• Legal Fees
• Communicating with Your Lawyer

Starting Over

2009-04-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

While trying to figure out how to make my comeback to blogging with grace and dignity (ok, I know that my absence was way longer than my blogging career!), I came across an interesting item among my business mail-a flyer from the Seattle Mayflower Park Hotel announcing a new promotion: divorce parties! Here's how the flyer begins:

Celebrate the Newly Single You!

Don't let divorce leave you feeling
alone. Gather all those people who
supported you through the hard
times and celebrate. Divorce Parties
are helping people close the door on
the old & face the future with a new
attitude.

Hmmm . . . altruism or a cynical marketing gimmick in a sagging economy? What do you think?

A Glimmer of Light: Divorce & Breakups May Not Feel As Bad As You Think

2009-03-07T23:23:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, there is disbelief and fear. Questions such as, "What am I going to do?"; "How will I live on my own?"; and "How can I sleep without holding someone?" come spilling forth. The caller continues to speak, but I am not expected to answer. So I listen.

There's not much about divorce, particularly in the early stages, that feels as if it makes much sense. Divorce (or the end of any romantic relationship) can be crazy-making. It isn't only about dividing your real and personal property and determining how debts of the marriage are going to be paid. And it's not just about where the children will live, on which days they will be with which parent, or the innumerable other decisions that you will have to make about parenting. The "stuff" of divorce is more than all that, and even more than resolving the bigger financial matters of child and spousal support or alimony.

Divorce is also about shattered dreams and other losses you never thought you'd experience. It consists of all of your very powerful emotions that inevitably come into play at this very vulnerable time in your life.

The good news is that the actual experience of divorce and non-marital breakups is not as devastating as people think it will be. This is so because of a psychological phenomenon, referred to as "impact bias" by social psychologists Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling On Happiness) and Timothy Wilson in their article, "Affective Forecasting," which they have described as "the tendency to overstate the enduring impact that future events will have on our emotional reactions."

Why does this occur? Don't we know ourselves well enough from prior experiences to predict how we will feel when an important relationship ends? Gilbert, Wilson, and other researchers have identified some reasons that may explain people's forecasting errors. The two major reasons are:

Failing to consider the ameliorating affect of our psychological immune system: When we try to imagine our emotional response to a negative event in the future, we neglect to consider how our psychological immune system, without our awareness, will help us make sense of it, so that our emotional response is lessened. Some common examples are thoughts such as, "I never really loved him", "We weren't getting along anyway", and "I would not have been able to go back to school; it's all for the best."

Overlooking intervening events, or focalism: When we imagine how a future painful event will emotionally impact us, we tend to neglect to consider the buffering effect of more positive events, such as the birth of a grandchild or the support we might receive from close relatives and friends, that may take place at or around the same time.

Whatever the implications may be with respect to the findings of social psychologists Wilson, Gilbert, and others in this area of affective forecasting, we can agree that there is good new: We are resilient creatures with a great capacity for enjoying our lives even after a tragedy befalls us.

Watch for future posts on how impact bias may affect decision-making in mediation.

Hat tip to Jena Pincott, who posted "Why Breaking Up Is Easier Than You Think" here.

The Fallability of Certainty

2009-02-16T11:26:00.000-08:00

You can't know exactly what's going on in your neighbor's house or in his head or his heart. You can make suppositions, you can make assumptions, but you always have to factor in that you can't know.
~Interview with John Patrick Shanley, playwright

Being a bit behind the times, my husband and I finally found the time to see the movie Doubt, John Patrick Shanley's screen adaptation of his play, Doubt, A Parable. A shameless Meryl Streep admirer, I naturally observed this movie through the eyes of her character, Sister Aloysius, a very stern and righteous school principal.

Sister Aloysisus suspects Father Flynn, a charismatic priest who is trying to loosen up some of the school's outdated traditions, of engaging in sexual activities with one or more of the young male students. Although she has no evidence to support her belief, she sets out to expose the priest, her steadfast determination not wavering, despite explanations strongly suggesting a contrary conclusion.

Father Flynn (scene in Doubt): You have not the slightest proof of anything.

Sister Aloysius: But I have my certainty, and armed with that I will go to your last parish and the one before that if necessary. I will find a parent. Trust me, I will--a parent who probably doesn't know that you are still working with children. And once I do that you will be exposed. You may even be attacked, metaphorically or otherwise.

So convinced is she of the young priest's guilt, so sure of her feelings that are in the very gut of her being, it does not occur to her that she might be mistaken.

What does it mean to feel "certain?" Is it knowledge? Intuition? In his article, "The Certainty Epidemic", Robert A. Burton, M.D., neurologist and author of On Being Certain: Believing You Are Right Even When You're Not, writes:

[Modern biology] is telling us that despite how certainty feels, it is neither a conscious choice nor even a thought process. Certainty and similar states of "knowing what we know" arise out of primary brain mechanisms that, like love or anger, function independently of rationality or reason. Feeling correct or certain isn't a deliberate conclusion or conscious choice. It is a mental sensation that happens to us.

Why is it important for us to know this? Mr. Burton informs us:

If science can shame us into questioning the nature of conviction, we might develop some degree of tolerance and an increased willingness to consider alternative ideas -- from opposing religious or scientific views to contrary opinions at the dinner table.

What do we do, then, when we are so strongly convinced of the truth of our beliefs or hunches? Robert Burton's answer in an interview with Scientific American suggests a dash of inquisitiveness and a teaspoon of humility:

Intuitions, gut feelings and hunches are neither right nor wrong but tentative ideas that must then be submitted to empirical testing. If such testing isn't possible . . . then we must accept that any absolute stance is merely a personal vision, not a statement of fact.

Make Talk Work International Video Competition Deadline: April 17, 2009

2009-02-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

Credit: The City University of New York Dispute Resolution Consortium (CUNY DRC) at John Jay College of Criminal Justice-CUNY Make Talk Work First International Video Competition funded by the JAMS Foundation.

More and more dispute resolution practitioners are finding that satisfying and sustainable resolutions to conflict are attainable through meaningful and nonviolent conversation. The City University of New York Dispute Resolution Consortium (CUNY DRC) at John Jay College of Criminal Justice-CUNY is now trying to increase public awareness about this peaceful dispute resolution. See excerpt below:

The [CUNY DRC] announces an international competition for short videos of up to 60 seconds using any of the themes in the 24 Make Talk Work ® bookmarks. This video project, which is funded by the JAMS Foundation, seeks to increase public awareness about dispute resolution. The bookmarks, also funded by the JAMS Foundation, were created by the CUNY DRC and dispute resolvers in New York City with images designed by Susan Spivack.
The videos will demonstrate how universal messages about handling conflicts can be shared with people from all walks of life. Each of the 24 bookmarks, which must be used as the basis for this video competition, contains a message that can be visually illustrated through video.
The ten winning videos of the 2008 Make Talk Work ® First International Video Competition can be viewed at: http://www.youtube.com/user/johnjaydisputeres.
[Deadline for the 2009 competition is April 17, 2009.]
Read more. . .

The Unreliability of Memory

2009-01-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

There are some things one remembers even though they may never have happened.
HAROLD PINTER, Old Times
[This is the first part of a series on this topic.]

When I was very young, my grandmother enjoyed telling me about a very special time when she was traveling by train from New York City to spend the weekend with my parents, sister, and me on Long Island. In this story (which she claimed to be true), the train had made one of its usual stops before reaching our town when a cute, fluffy kitten stepped off the platform and onto the train. In this story, my grandmother watched this little kitten as it walked right up to her and, without a word (ok, I added that part), leapt onto her lap, curled up, and fell fast asleep. "Why didn't you bring it home to me?" I would ask each time she repeated this story, as if, by changing the story, she could change the outcome in real life. "Because," she'd remind me, "when we arrived at the next stop and the doors opened, the kitty woke up, jumped off my lap, and walked right out the door before I could stop it!"

The implausability of the story my grandmother told never struck me when I was young. As an adult, talking about this with my mother, I suddenly understand that my grandmother's "memory" probably was constructed, based, perhaps, on something that really did happen and colored, somewhat, too, by some wishful thinking and her desire to please a wistful grandchild.

Memories are the stuff of literature and art, enriching our collective imagination and culture. But as we know, they also can be inaccurate and even false. In The Seven Sins of Memory: How the Mind Forgets and Remembers, Daniel L. Schacter sums up his explanation for why memories are not carbon copies of what we perceive with our senses:

We extract key elements from our experiences and store them. We then recreate or reconstruct our experiences rather than retrieve copies of them. Sometimes, in the process of reconstructing we add on feelings, beliefs, or even knowledge we obtained after the experience. In other words, we bias our memories of the past by attributing to them emotions or knowledge we acquired after the event.

It's important to understand that, with rare exceptions, no one's memory is absolutely precise. Absent hard evidence such as recordings or writing, there is a reasonable chance that your recollection is, well, just as faulty as the other person's.

So what's the problem? The problem occurs when we rely on memory for making judgments and decisions that are life-altering while discounting evidence that a contrary view may be equally reasonable.

WELCOME

2009-01-13T23:04:00.000-08:00

Finally, after a long period of procrastination, I am launching this blog! Oh sweet Success!

Helping people work through their family conflicts is my passion. Perhaps this is because I recognize my own family issues in the patterns of those who I serve and I do believe that, even out of the most persistent family conflict a healthy relationship can grow. This blog will address those kinds of family issues that confound and frustrate each and everyone of us at some point in our lives. Whether you are experiecning conflict in your marriage, domestic partnership, divorce, eldercare planning, estate planning, family business succession, or other family context, it is my hope that the information, tips, and insights offered here will help you address some of your difficult family issues.

I invite family members and the professionals who help them -- therapists, lawyers, CPA's, etc. -- to join in the discussions with comments and questions.

Parents in Divorce Teleseminars

Rina Goodman and Dr. Patricia Anderson, author and parent educator, present a monthly series of telephone seminars for parents who are separated, divorced, or contemplating divorce. Each hour-long seminar includes key issues and practical action steps, as well as time for your questions. Seminars are presented on the third Thursday each month, at 9:30 East, 8:30 Central, and 6:30 Pacific Time. Cost is $10 each, and includes a downlowdable recording of the session. The first seminar, "Breaking It To The Kids," will be presented on Thursday, January 15 from 6:30 to 7:30 pm PST. Topics for the rest of the year are:

February - Choosing School Placement When You Can't Agree
March - Planning for the Summer
April - Pets in the Divorced Household
May - Parenting From A Distance
June - Vacations
July - Moving To A New Home
August - Transition To A Blended Household
September - Talking With Teachers
October - Divorce And The Special Needs Child
November - Handling The Holidays
December - Dealing With Grandparents

For more information or to register, call Dr. Anderson at 206.244.5673 or email her at mothersmentor@comcast.net.